I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
