He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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