3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
