Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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