The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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