it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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