i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
