Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
