sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize