I think I died a long time ago.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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