running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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