i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she pinky promised me she was 18
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
