If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
