You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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