So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Help. Why am I so naked?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
