I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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