you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
