my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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