You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
