Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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