Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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