if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize