I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
