feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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