At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
