I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
