How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
