dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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