ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
