2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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