can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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