Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
