I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
