yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
