My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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