Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
