the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
