Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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