tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
