White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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