Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
