I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
