Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
