Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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