Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
