He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
