Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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