last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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