Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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