i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
