We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
