I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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