My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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