I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
