a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She even gives head with a lisp.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
