i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
